Forum Topic

Here's one for Graham..

What's the connection between the Portuguese police,the Italian police and the Premiership?NO LEEDS!From a Man.Utd fan(since I was a phoetus)

Keith Iddon ● 5287d14 Comments

Tha's cheatin'!Shame on thee!

Keith Iddon ● 5285d

Billy Liar 'cos yon Google's a grand 'elp.

Graham Weeks ● 5286d

The dialogue I mention is probably not accurate but it how I (very affectionately)remember it.

Keith Iddon ● 5286d

"Aye ahs proper thraiped Councillor Duxbury.It's neither micklin' ner mucklin' "Which film Graham?

Keith Iddon ● 5286d

I remember my first visit to the West Riding. It seemed all black as soot around Castleford. We lived in the beauty of a village near Thirsk, the Darrowby of James Heriot the local vet.

Graham Weeks ● 5286d

I was born and brought up in Lancashire but in our house broad Lancs.dialect was not spoken,with the odd exception.Certainly not at school.There is historically a a big difference in dialect between West and East Lancs.West being thought of as more rural and east being m urban.I'm sure it's the same in Yorkshire.

Keith Iddon ● 5286d

I was musing on the link between this thread and the one I started on pupils whose mother tongue is not English.I was brought up in Yorkshire but my parents were not natives so at home it was fairly standard English. But with one;s friends it was dialect and fer sum on em, there were nowt else. But in grammar school the Midland English master was concerned to get us all away from dialect. I have noticed children have no difficulty with dialect among peers and received pronunciation at school and perhaps home.

Graham Weeks ● 5286d

Lancashire bloke has a cat and it is poorly.He goes to a local vet with the cat in a box and is not sure what to do with it when he goes into the consulting room so he leaves it outside.'I understand you cat is unwell'says the vet'Is it a Tom''Nay'says the bloke'Ah browt it wi'us.It's outside int'corridah'

Keith Iddon ● 5286d

A Lancashire farmer has had a dog for years and he had grown to love it as it was the best dog a man could hope for.As a mark of remembrance and to help him with his grief he decides to have a gold statue of it made.He goes to a local sculptor who says"Well,I can certainly make a gold statue of your dog.Do you want it 18 carat"?"Nay you daft b**ger"the farmer replies "I waant it aetin' bone"

Keith Iddon ● 5286d

Auld fella walking alongside canal and sees a nine-year old lad fair crying his eyes out."Wot's tha cryin' fer, young un?"Through sniffles and bawling, little lad manages to say "A've loss me mate. Me mate fell in t'canal" and point about tree feet in front of him."By 'eck" says fella and without further ado, strips off his jacket and shoes then jumps into the canal. After few minutes he splashed to side and says, "'Ow old was tha mate?"By this time, lad had stopped howling and watched the auld fella fair dumbstruck. "Wot's that mean, 'ow old?""Thy mate" said fella, "'ow old were 'e? Wor 'e a big lad?"Little lad scowled at the old man, "Nah! Tha daft bat. Not me mate - me mate outa me saniches".

Graham Weeks ● 5286d

An aerobics instructor sets up a class in Lancashire and is taking her first class of clients.She says'Right ladies we are going to start the session with some stretching exercises,so do as I say please''Hands on shoulders'They all put their hands on their shoulders.'Hands on hips'They all put their hands on their hips.'Hands on thighs'They all put their hands over their eyes...

Keith Iddon ● 5286d

When a lady compliments me on my speedy service with her prescription I have been known to remark that I am the one sort of man to be thanked for quick service. OTH when asked to be quick I am tempted to ask, do you want it quick or right? But I usually merely say I have two speeds, stop and go.

Graham Weeks ● 5286d

A chap is feeling a bit lonely and goes to see a 'lady of the night'.As a preamble to their liaison they talk and she asks him what he does for a living.'I'm a cricketer actually''That's unusual'she says'I don't often entertain sportsmen'.When they have done the deed,he's putting his socks on when she says'So,your a batsman for Yorkshire then''Well,yes'he replies'But how did you know that''Because you were'nt in for very long'she says.

Keith Iddon ● 5286d

A Leeds fan is walking along a beach, when he sees an old bottle. He picks it up, and takes out the cork. Out pops a genie who says"I am the football genie. I grant 3 wishes, and everything you wish for wish for, you shall get, but every Manchester United fan will get twice what you wish for.""Fair enough", says the man." I wish for 1 million quid"."You understand that every one of the scum will receive £2 million?""Yep, I can live with that"And, lo and behold, there apperars a case of £50 notes."Now I wish for Leeds to win the Champions League for 10 years running""You understand that this means Manchester United will win  20 years running?""Yep, I can live with that"And, lo and behold, there apperars a sports almanack from the year 2050 showing the English dominance of the European Championship."Final wish"After some thought the Leeds fan replies:"I'd like to give a kidney transplant......"

Graham Weeks ● 5287d