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July smile

Catholic Heart AttackA man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store staff called 999 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. Do you have health insurance?" she asked.He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"He replied, "No money in the bank." "Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Graham Weeks ● 5380d7 Comments

A while ago a new supermarket opened in Newton , NJ .It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of  distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and there is the scent of freshly mowed hay.In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.When you approach the egg case, you hear hens clucking and cackling, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies. I  don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

Graham Weeks ● 5366d

The Menu For The Roadkill Cafe"You Kill It, We Grill It"Eating Food Is More Fun When You Know It Was Hit On The Run!Entrees.** Center Line Bovine **Tastes Real Good, Straight From The Hood ............ $ 5.99( with cheese, add .50 )** The Chicken That Didn't Cross The Road **What A Dumb Cluck ................................... $ 3.49( includes soup and salad )** Flat Cat **( served as a single or in a stack )Single Flat Cat ..................................... $ 1.99Double Flat Cat ..................................... $ 2.79Flat Cat Stack ...................................... $ 4.99Flat Cat Family Pack (with kittens).................. $ 9.00A Taste Of The Wild Side - Still In The Hide.** Chunk Of Skunk **Smells REAL good! ................................... $ 7.49( basted in Tomato Sauce )** Smidgen Of Pigeon **Tastes so good, you'll coo for more ................. $ 3.49( includes salad & French bread )** Road Toad Ala Mode **Jump into this dish, & you'll croak for more ........ $ 2.99( ice cream flavours chocolate, vanilla, or strawberry )** Shake N' Bake Snake **Long and crunchy, with 12 secret spices ............. $ 3.99( extra long snake, add $ 1.29 )** Swirl Of Squirrel **You'll go nuts for our squirrel ..................... $ 2.49( includes salad & peanut brittle desert )** Whippoorwill On A Grill **This one will tickle your fancy ..................... $ 2.79( includes sunflower & sesame seed roll with salad )** Rigor Mortis Tortoise **Slowly aged to perfection ........................... $ 7.99( includes turtle soup & dumplings )Eating Food Is More Fun When You Know It Was Hit On The Run!** Canine Cuisine **You'll eat like a hog when you taste our dog.Slab of Lab ......................................... $ 1.99Pit Bull Pot Pie .................................... $ 0.99Cocker Cutlets (best of show) ....................... $ 4.99Sharpei Fillet ...................................... $ 2.99Poodles N' Noodles (w/French fries) ................. $ 3.79Snippet of Whippet .................................. $ 2.69Collie Hit by a Trolley (Toonerville)................ $ 3.89BBQ Beagle .......................................... $ 2.79German Shepherd Pie (with sauerkraut)................ $ 3.99Fire Broiled Dalmatian .............................. $ 1.01Trampled Sheep Dog .................................. $ 3.29** A Disney Classic: Thumper Ala Bumper **Tender & juicy with lots of meat on the foot ........ $ 9.49( side order of Bambi Venison $2.49 extra )Late Night Delights! Served Fresh Each Night After Dark.** Rack Of Raccoon **White meat, dark meat, white meat, dark meat ........ $ 5.99( includes salad, & free Daniel Boone soft drink mug )** Awesome Possum **Jed Clampet's Family Recipe can't be beat! .......... $ 7.99( includes Possum Tail soup & Possum Pie desert! )** Smear Of Deer **You'll eat Bambi's heart out and love it! ........... $ 8.99( includes soup, baked potato with venison gravy)** Texas Speed Bump **Try our Armadillo, tenderized by Goodyear! .......... $ 5.69( includes Texas Armadillo meatball soup n' salad )Roadkill Cafe Menu Challengers.** Guess That Mess! **A daily special treat - if you can guess it,you eat it for free! ............................... $ 9.99** Bag N' Gag **Our daily take-out lunch specialAnything Dead, In Bread ............................. $ 2.49Eating Food Is More Fun When You Know It Was Hit On The Run!

Graham Weeks ● 5373d

'A wife asked her husband: What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?.. He looked at her from head to toe and replied: your sense of humour.A kid gave his teacher a blank piece of paper. Teacher: What is this? Kid: It's a drawing of a cow eating grass. Teacher: (looked at the paper) Where's the grass? Kid: The cow ate all of it. ...Teacher: (looked at the paper again)Then, where's the cow?Dear "Popular kids" you may drink, smoke weed, take drugs, slack off in school, and think your "hard". but in 5 years time, while i have a job and you dont, i'm going to laugh right in your face'Hahahahaha, You Failed!" "'Yeah, so did your dads condom."

Graham Weeks ● 5373d

This was sent to me by a close friend who is in remission from breast cancer.While conducting some business at  the Court House, I overheard a lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a  Mammogram Technician,say,  "Your Honor, I'm guilty but....there were  extenuating circumstances."The female Judge said, sarcastically, "I'd  certainly like tohear those extenuating circumstances."  I did too  so, I listened as the lady told her story."Your Honor, I had a  mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met by this perky  little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head to  one side and crooned, "Hi! I'm Belinda! All I need you to do is step into  this room right here, stripto the waist, then slip on this gown.  Everything clear?"I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket  science."Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of  horrors.With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally)  to the left and said, "Hmmmm.. Can you stand on your tippy toes and  lean in a tad so we can get everything?" Fine, I answered.I was  freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation  in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that  defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces  of square glass) when I heard and felta zap!Complete darkness, the  power was off!Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they  hit a snag." Then she headed for the door."Excuse me! You're not  leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted.Belinda kept going  and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the  emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."Before I could shout  NOOOO! She disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, "maintenance  men Extraordinaire" found me...half-naked with part of me dangling from the  Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!After  exchanging a polite Hi, how's it going type greeting, Bubba (or possibly  Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was  off.Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as muchcalmness  as possible, "Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway.""OK, you take care  now" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the  line at the grocery store.Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing  a sheepish grin.Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh  I am sooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you!  And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"And that, Your Honor,  is exactly how her little empty head ended up between the clamps...."The judge managed to keep a straight face and said, "Case Dismissed!

Nigel Brooks ● 5378d

Pre-Application Information:This application will be considered incomplete and therefore rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, letters of acceptance to Oxford or Cambridge, and current medical report (from a reputable doctor).PART 1:NAME: ____________________________________BIRTH DATE: _________________________HEIGHT: _____________________WEIGHT: ____________________IQ: ______________ (Less than 90, crawl back to the rock you came out from under and DO NOT add to the gene pool.)ANNUAL INCOME (mandatory): ___________________NATIONAL INSURANCE: ________________DRIVERS LICENSE #: ________________BOY SCOUT RANK & MERIT BADGES: ____________________________HOME ADDRESS: ________________________________________________Do you have parents? _______________________________If NO, explain (in ten words or less):________________________________________________________________If YES, number of years they have been married:If they have been married less than your age, explain:______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________PART 2:Do you own a van? ____________A truck with oversized tires? ____________A waterbed? ____________A pickup with a mattress in the back? ___________Do you have an earring, nose ring, and/or bellybutton ring?A tattoo? ___________(IF YOU HAVE ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE--DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES.)PART 3:In 50 words or less - what does LATE mean to you?________________________________________________________________In 50 words or less - what does MARRIAGE mean to you?________________________________________________________________In 50 words or less - what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?________________________________________________________________What church do you attend? _____________How often? ___________When would be the best time to interview your:Father? ___________Mother? ___________Priest? ___________Probation Officer? ______________PART 4:Answer by filling in the blank. Please feel free to answer all questions.Answers given will be considered confidential.A. If I were shot, the last place I would want to be shot would be:B. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:C. A woman's place is:D. The two things I hope this application does not ask:1)______________________________________________________________2)______________________________________________________________E. When I first met your daughter, the one thing that I noticed first was:________________________________________________________________(Note: IF answer E begins with T or A, discontinue application. Leave premises immediately. It is highly advised to keep your head down and zigzag.)F. What do you want to do IF you grow up?Part 5:What is the current going rate of a hotel room? ___________(Note: IF multiple answers are given to the question above, discontinue application. Stay seated. There is a sawed-off pointed at your knees. There are probably several fathers looking for you right now!)I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, AND ELECTROCUTION ADMINISTERED BY "WE-BREAK 'EM" INSURANCE BROKERS.__________________________________________________SIGNATURE (an "X" is not sufficient.)Thank you for expressing interest in my daughter. Please allow 1-2 years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved.Please do not try to call, write, or try to visit my daughter during this time (it would result in disqualification of your application and bodily harm visited upon you.) If your application is rejected, you will be notified by Louigi and Vinny of We-Break 'em Insurance Brokers. Have a nice day.

Graham Weeks ● 5378d

A nonagenarian gave the pharmacist a prescription for Viagra asking if if could be dispensed cut into quarters. The chemist said a quarter was nor enough for an erection. The old boy replied that it was not an erection he wanted. He wished to stop peeing on his slippers.

Graham Weeks ● 5379d

Brilliant!

Siobhan McGurty ● 5379d