Forum Topic

August smile

These are actual comments made by Georgia State Troopers that were taken off their car videos:1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that will be chasing you."6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."AND THE WINNER IS....16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

Graham Weeks ● 2825d18 Comments

ear Dogs,When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two dogs in the way.The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in theslightest.The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help, because I fall faster than you can run.I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance is not mandatory.The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.Sincerely,Your Overwhelmed Owner

Graham Weeks ● 2809d

From the same source,A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone." "No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?" His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror,stare at myself and repeat I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone." "Well, that is wonderful," replies the husband. His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!" The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!" His funeral service will be held on Saturday.

Graham Weeks ● 2824d