Forum Topic

February smile

President Donald Trump invited the Pope for lunch on his mega yacht, the Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the Pontiff's hat off, right into the water. It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place. The crew and the secret service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Trump waved them off, saying "Never mind, boys, I'll get it."The Donald climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up, walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht, and handed the Pope his hat.The crew was speechless. The security team and the Pope's entourage were speechless. No one knew what to say, not even the Pope.But that afternoon, NBC, BBC, CBS, ABC, MSNBC, and CNN reported:"TRUMP CAN'T SWIM!"

Graham Weeks ● 3346d15 Comments

Tony Blair wanted to be remembered so he commissioned a special postage stamp which was to carry his picture. He instructed his people to design it, stressing that it should be of international quality.The stamps were duly released and he was delighted. However, within a few days of release of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and this made him very annoyed.He 'phoned the stamp makers and ordered them to investigate the matter. They checked out the problem by visiting several post offices, and then they reported back to the politician.Their report said, 'There is nothing wrong with the quality of the stamp. The problem is people are spitting on the wrong side.'

Graham Weeks ● 3320d

And many a true word spoken through false teeth..

Keith Iddon ● 3325d

Ah, many a true word spoken in jest Graham. :)

Penelope Crocker ● 3325d

After concerns that EU citizens be repatriated I hear another rumour. Why not deport senior citizens? A spokesman for the Ministry of Health said "Older people are a drain on our healthcare system they don't pay very much in taxes, plus they are easier to catch and will not remember how to get back home."

Graham Weeks ● 3325d

Sparrows like breadcrumbs and Tits like coconuts

Keith Iddon ● 3327d

friend just forwarded this email collection. To not share them would be hoardly fair to fellow pun-loving friends.....A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.Practice safe eating - always use condiments.A hangover is the wrath of grapes.Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.What's the definition of a will?(It's a dead give away.)Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.In democracy your vote counts.In feudalism your count votes.She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.If you don't pay your exorcist,You get repossessedWith her marriage,She got a new name and a dress.The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.Every calendar's days are numbered.A lot of money is tainted -Taint yours and taint mine.A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.He had a photographic memory that was never developed.A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.Once you've seen one shopping center,You've seen a mall.Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Graham Weeks ● 3327d

A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife.He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home.He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and model it for himUpstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea.It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing.I won't put it on - do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself'.So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.The husband says 'Stone me, it wasn't that creased in the shop'.His funeral is this Thursday.

Graham Weeks ● 3327d

A very successful attorney parked his brand new Porsche 911 Turbo in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.As he was getting out, a truck came barreling down the road, drifted right and completely tore off the driver's door.Fortunately, a cop was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the now door-less Porsche with his lights flashing. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his precious Porsche, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again, would never be the same.After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief, "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said, "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life.""How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!""OH!" screamed the lawyer. . . "My precious Rolex!"

Graham Weeks ● 3331d

A man is walking through the park when he notices a fight on the football field."What's going on?", he asks a spectator, watching from the side-lines.The other replies "It's a match between the Masons and the Knights of Columbus.""What's the score?" asks the first man."I don't know. It's a secret."

Graham Weeks ● 3333d

If I am Trump bashing, you have a serious sense of humour deficit.

Graham Weeks ● 3336d

How trendy to join the Trump bashing bandwagon ? Unfunny and predictably rubbish !

Dennis Brogan ● 3336d

How trendy to join the Trump bashing bandwagon ? Unfunny and predictably rubbish !

Dennis Brogan ● 3336d

Lol

Donna Fraser ● 3336d

Paddy says to Murphy 'my mate came off his motor bike today. He has brain damage, 2 broken arms and is blind in 1 eye'Bloody hell, no wonder he came off says Murphy

Graham Weeks ● 3336d

A young man watched an elderly couple sit down to lunch at a restaurant.He noticed that they had ordered one meal and an extra drink cup.As he watched, the old man carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries – one for him, one for her, until each had an even number.Then the old man poured half the soft drink into the extra cup and set it in front of his wife. The old man began to eat and his wife sat watching with her hands folded in her lap.The young man hesitated, then approached the couple and asked if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they wouldn't have to split theirs.The old man said, "Oh no. We've been married for 50 years, and everything has always been, and always will be shared 50-50."The young man asked the old woman if she was going to eat."Later," she replied. "It's his turn with the teeth.

Graham Weeks ● 3340d