Forum Topic

November smile

I was telling a blonde girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling their breasts."Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience."Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?""Yesterday?" I replied.

Graham Weeks ● 3804d15 Comments

This one is more satire than smile.Spare a thought for poor ole for Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair. After arriving in a hotel in Dublin, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be €1 please, Mr. O’Leary." Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money. "Well, we do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday from 6pm until 8pm. We have the cheapest beer in Ireland". "That is remarkable value", Michael comments. "I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be €3 please." O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra €2. You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you €1." "I think you may to be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please". Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame". "I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of €4 for your seat sir". O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another €3." O'Leary was so incensed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager". "I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be €2 please." O'Leary's face was red with rage. "Do you know who I am?" "Of course I do Mr. O'Leary." "I've had enough! What sort of Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!" "Here is his E-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only €1 per second, or part thereof". "I will never use this bar again". "OK sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for €1.

Graham Weeks ● 3781d

Freezing this morning....had to use my B&Q card to scrape the windscreen....but I could only get 25% off....My boss told me "There are no such things as problems, only opportunities" I said "That's great, well I have a serious drinking opportunity

Graham Weeks ● 3782d

I went see the doctor today and told him I keep getting coffee dripping out of my ear. He said, I think you may have a percolated eardrum.

Graham Weeks ● 3783d

Two old ladies are standing at a bus station and one of them is smoking. Suddenly it starts raining so the smoking one takes out a condom from her purse, cuts the edge off and puts it over the cigarette. Her friend asks her: "What are you doing?!?" So she replies: "I don't want my cigarette to get wet so I covered it with a condom"So her friend asks: "What�s a condom? Where did you get it?" So she says: "At the pharmacy" So the next day her friend goes to the pharmacy and asks the clerk if she can get a condom. The clerk asks: "What size?"So she replies: "I dunno, one that will fit a camel"

Graham Weeks ● 3784d

Spent six hours linking all of my watches together to make a belt.It was a complete waist of time.What about the dyslexic drunk who choked in his own Vimto.!The wife said i have some good news and bad news about your car , i said don't you give me any bad news that car is new, give me the good news,, she said your air bag works

Graham Weeks ● 3784d

Punny Headlines, Man who took airline to court over missing baggage loses casePolice searching for a mad man riding a bicycle are warning members of the public to avoid all cycle paths On a shortage of library stock in the CM5 area: Book Lack in Ongar.Just after the Great Fire of London in 1666, the Guardian printed "Paula to be reconstructed by Christopher Wren"The next day this was corrected to "St Pauls to be reconstructed by Christ knows when"

Graham Weeks ● 3784d

LOL!

Keith Iddon ● 3795d

Janet Street Porter walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Can I get a large aperitif?"Barman says, "I doubt it."

Graham Weeks ● 3796d

A sewage farm. In what way is it a farm? Is there a farm shop?-Jack Dee (September 24 1961-)

Graham Weeks ● 3798d

'One-armed butlers – they can take it but they can’t dish it out.'-Tim Vine (March 4 1967-)

Graham Weeks ● 3799d

'I like to play chess with old men in the park, although it's hard to find 32 of them.' -Emo Phillips (February 7 1956-)

Graham Weeks ● 3799d

Two cannibals were eating a clown – one said to the other, 'Does he taste funny to you?'-Tommy Cooper (1921-1984)

Graham Weeks ● 3799d

I am very sorry to be the bearer of bad news in announcing the passing of my dear friend common sense frown emoticonAn Obituary printed in the London Times.....Absolutely Dead Brilliant!!Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;- Why the early bird gets the worm;- Life isn't always fair;- And maybe it was my fault.Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.Common Sense was preceded in death,-by his parents, Truth and Trust,-by his wife, Discretion,-by his daughter, Responsibility,-and by his son, Reason.He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers;- I Know My Rights- I Want It Now- Someone Else Is To Blame- I'm A Victim- Pay me for Doing NothingNot many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.Take care of your body. It's the only place you have to live !RIP my old friend Common. You will be so very much missed, till we meet again .....

Graham Weeks ● 3802d

Marvellous!LOL

Keith Iddon ● 3803d