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October smile

An Irish MiracleMurphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature of the universethat buttered toast always falls butter-down.  So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan.  He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen.  But he won't say what it is, so he asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.He leads Fr. Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor."Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floorand then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top.""No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy  "Oh my Lord," says Fr. Flanagan, "dropped toast never fallswith the butter side up. It's a miracle .Wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this matterto the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it.He'll send some people round; to interview you, take photos, etc."A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocesebut by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome.No expense is spared. There is great excitement in the townas everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much need tourism revenue.Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling."It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen,quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Yet the Holy See must be very cautiousbefore ruling a miracle.  All other explanations must be ruled out.  Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared 'No Miracle' because they thinkthat Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!"

Graham Weeks ● 4192d32 Comments

Three great jokes Bud - I enjoyed them, thanks.

Gerry Tan ● 4166d

The company Lawyer went into the office of the CEO - "Boss, I have some good news and some bad news....""Good news first", barks the CEO..."Well, your wife has invested £20,000 in 10 pictures and they are now worth £5,000,000", reported the legal expert."Excellent news, and the bad ?", replied the ever arrogant CEO..."The pictures are of you screwing your secretary...."

Bud Richards ● 4166d

Russ and Fred, two eighty-plus friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.One day Russ didn't show up but Fred didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. After Russ hadn't shown up for a week Fred got really worried.Since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Fred didn't know where Russ lived so he had no idea what had happened to him.When a month had passed Fred figured he had seen the last of Russ. Then Fred went to the park and there sat Russ.He was mighty relieved and asked, “For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?”Russ replied, “I have been in jail.”“Jail?” cried Fred, “What the hell did you do?”“Well,” answered Russ, “there’s a cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go. Well the little gold-digger got the idea I was rich and filed rape charges against me. At eighty-nine I was so proud that when I got to court I pleaded guilty.The judge gave me thirty days for perjury.”

Bud Richards ● 4166d

The man is on his death bed. A nurse, his wife, his two sons and his daughter are gathered around.His voice is hardly more than a whisper when he says, "Bernie my son, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.”To his daughter, “Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end.”To his other son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."And finally, "Sarah my dear wife, take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."The nurse whispers to the wife in awe, “Your husband must have been a very hard working man to have accumulated all that property.”The wife replies, “Property? He doesn’t own any property.The git is talking about his paper round.”

Bud Richards ● 4166d

We like the jokes told Graham - any chance of some for November please? Especially ethnic jokes. Thanks.

Gerry Tan ● 4169d

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives.To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it."This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."(Side pose...)Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"The policeman angrily responds, "For God's sake, What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?!?"Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "Now think hard before giving me a stupid answer. This is your suspect, how would you recognize him??"The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses..."The policeman is surprised and speechless... "Wow! I can't believe it ... it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation??""That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear..."

Graham Weeks ● 4172d

Good jokes - more please.

Gerry Tan ● 4173d

The Jewish Elbow…A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. "You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?" "Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? ......... "What . .. . .. .. You're coming empty handed?" _______________________________________________ Wise Italian Grandfather An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ...38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?" "You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. " "Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "?____________________________________________________Irish blonde... An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching." MORAL OF THE STORY Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, ..... but all men...are men!____________________________________________________Global Facts About Sex At any given moment: FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now. FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing. FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex. FACT: 1 old person is reading emails. You hang in there, sunshine!

Graham Weeks ● 4175d

A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he Approached his assistant. "Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow. I do not want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients. " "Yes, sir!" - Seamus answers. The doctor goes hunting and returns the Following day and Asks: "So, Seamus, how was your day?" Seamus told him he did Took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol." "Bravo, and the second one?" - Asks the doctor. "The second one Had stomach burning and I gave him Malox, sir." - Says Seamus. "Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one? "- Asks the doctor. "Sir, I was sitting here and Suddenly the door opened and a woman Entered. Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything Including her bra, her panties and lied down on the table. She spread her legs and Shouted: "HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man! " "Thunderin 'Lard Jayzus, Seamus, what did ye do?" - Asks the doctor. "I put drops in her eyes." !!!!!

Graham Weeks ● 4180d

Ha ha. Brilliant jokes...My favourite is the Murphy one!

Georgina Flint ● 4183d

Johnny and his wife went to the State Fair every year. Every year Johnny would say, "I'd like to ride in that aeroplane." And every year his wife would say, "I know, Johnny, but that aeroplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." This one year Johnny and his wife went to the fair and Johnny said, "I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that aeroplane this year I may never get another chance.""That aeroplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.", replied his wife.The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."Johnny and his wife agree and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Johnny, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."Johnny replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when my wife fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.

Graham Weeks ● 4183d

Four guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."The next night it was the second guy’s turn. In the morning, Same thing happens again, his hair is standing up, eyes all bloodshot.The other two said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night."The third night was Frank’s turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man’s man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning," he said. The other two couldn’t believe it!He looked rested and wide awake. They asked, "Man, what happened?"He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his butt and kissed him good night. Daryl sat up and watched me all night."

Graham Weeks ● 4185d

We could do with lighter laughter these days - there's too much bad news around. Please let's have more jokes.

Gerry Tan ● 4186d

A chap was driving his car rather too fast and was pulled over by the police. In the passenger seat was the man's wife, who was very deaf and who had been nagging the man all the while to get home quicker, hence the speeding.The bobby says 'Please wind down your window', the woman shouts to the man' What did he say?' 'He wants me to wind down the window' bellows the husband, which he does.'Is this your car sir? asks the bobby 'What did he say?'shouts the wife 'He wants to know if this is my car'shouts the chap by way of reply..'Where do you live ?' asks the bobby' What did he say?' asks the wife' He wants to know where we live' shouts the beleaguered husband 'Well tell him!'shouts the wife 'We live in Ealing officer' says the man 'I had the worst sex of my life in Ealing' mutters the bobby ...'What did he say?' asks the wife  'He says he thinks he knows you' says the husband.

Keith Iddon ● 4188d

Albert is concerned that his wife, Victoria, is developing a serious hearing problem.  Worried, he goes to the GP on his own and is given some foolproof advice to find out for certain.So one night, he stood behind her at one end of the room, while she was sitting in the living room at the other end, reading a newspaper.Very softly he said "Darling, can you hear me?"There was no response.He moved three steps closer and said again, "Vicky, can you hear me?"Still no response.Finally he moved right behind her and said, "Darling, can you hear me?"She replied, "For the third time, YES!"

Phil Kay ● 4188d

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Centre.  After the community sing-along, led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show -- Claude the Hypnotist. Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.  "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.  The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his vest pocket --- a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.  "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.  "It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations," said Claude.  He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch ... Watch the watch ... Watch the watch."The audience became mesmerized, as the watch swayed back and forth.  The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces, as well as 'bifocal lines.'  A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.  The audience was mesmerized…and then one by one, hypnotized.  And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!  The beautiful watch fell to the stage and came apart on impact."sh*t!" exclaimed Claude. It took three days for them to clean up the Senior Citizens Centre, and Claude was never invited back again.

Nigel Brooks ● 4188d

The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night and I told her I was looking for cheap flights. "Oh I love you!" she said, and promptly stripped off and we had the most amazing sex ever....Aren't women strange, she's never shown an interest in darts before...

Guy Edema ● 4188d

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grandson who is coming to visit with his wife."When you get to the front of the building, you’ll see the panel with all the buzzers.  I’m in apartment three-two-seven so push the button with your elbow.  I will buzz you in.When you’re inside, the elevator is on the right.  Get in the elevator and with your elbow, push the button for level three.When you get out, I'm on the left.  Push my doorbell with your elbow."The grandson says, "Grandma that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all the buttons with my elbow?” Grandma replies, "So you’re coming empty handed?"

Guy Edema ● 4188d

Bloke goes to the doctor and says'Doc, I have a very embarrassing problem. Every time I sneeze I get sexually aroused' The doctor replies 'That's interesting, what have you been taking for it?'Pepper' the man replies.

Keith Iddon ● 4188d

And her daughter was called.....Donna Kebabby

Nigel Brooks ● 4188d

Q) What does a Turkish woman who works in a late night take away shop call her child?A) A kebbabyQ) What does she say when she wants it to stop crying?A) Shush kebbaby.

Keith Iddon ● 4188d

I've had a problem with exploding 'spiders' in my bathroom.Turns out they were Jihadi Longlegs!

Nigel Brooks ● 4188d

I hear that Scotrail have objected to the British Association of Philosophy meeting at Edinburgh Castle. They didn't want anybody getting ideas above their station!

Graham Weeks ● 4188d

I liked those two jokes Nigel - thanks. Jewish folk have a keen and sensitive sense of humour.

Gerry Tan ● 4190d

My favourite two Jewish jokes were both told to me by a diamond cutter in Hatton Garden.Solly Abrahams rushes out of his workshop in Greville Street and is knocked down as he runs across Hatton Garden by a passing car.A woman who knows him runs over and says "Mr. Abrahams, I've called an ambulance, are you comfortable?"Solly looks up and in a weak voice replies " I make a living!"Sadly, Solly died and his widow Miriam calls the Jewish Chronicle to place the obituary notice. "How much is it?" she asks and is shocked to be told it is "£5 per word"."OK, just put, 'Solly Abrahams Dead' "  "Sorry, Mrs. Abrahams, there is a six word minimum".After some thought, Miriam says OK, put 'Solly Abrahams dead, Volvo for sale' "

Nigel Brooks ● 4190d

Amusing jokes and tales - I also like jokes told by Jewish people about themselves and their lives - they're always funny and interesting. Any good ones?

Gerry Tan ● 4190d

A man met a woman in a bar, this is their conversation,Woman: Do you drink beer? Man: YesWoman: How many beers a day?Man: Usually about 3Woman: How much do you pay per beer?Man: £5.00 which includes a tipWoman: And how long have you been drinking?Man: About 20 years, I supposeWoman: So a beer costs £5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at £450. In one year, it would be approximately £5400.. correct?Man: CorrectWoman: If in 1 year you spend £5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at £108,000, correct?Man: CorrectWoman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?Man: Do you drink beer?Woman: NoMan: What colour is your Ferrari?

Graham Weeks ● 4191d

Im all Irish and I found it very funny

Jack Ryan ● 4191d

No huffing now, it was the Italians that made the decision :-)

Nigel Brooks ● 4191d

Being half Irish, I find it offensive. (Flounces off in a huff).

Susan Kelly ● 4191d

I agree too, good tale well told - brought a pleasant smile - thanks Graham.

Gerry Tan ● 4192d

Thats brilliant

Jack Ryan ● 4192d