Forum Topic

APHORISMS1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.2. Money will buy a fine dog but only kindness will make him wag his tail.3. If you don't have a sense of humour you probably don't have any sense at all.4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?7 Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?9. Stroke a cat and you will have a permanent job.10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a car.11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.12 There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m - for example, it could be the right number.13. No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.14. I've reached the age where 'happy hour' is a nap.15. Be careful about reading the fine print - there's no way you're going to like it.16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.17. Do you realize that, in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?18. Money can't buy happiness but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Rolls Royce than in a Note.19. After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you're probably dead.20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind and the ones that mind don't matter.21. Life isn't tied with a bow but it's still a gift.And REMEMBER...."POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES SHOULD BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON"

Nigel Brooks ● 4238d

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you because you're not a monk." The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,"We can't tell you because you're not a monk."The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?" The monks reply, "You must travel the Earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk." The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have travelled the Earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth. The monks reply, "Congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is behind that door.”The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, "May I have the key?"The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door.The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz and amethyst.Finally, the monks say, "This is the key to the last door."The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight ........... ..... But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.(Thank you the late, great, Dave Allen!)

Nigel Brooks ● 4258d

For the seafarers amongst us:-  Nelson at Trafalgar 2014 Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"Hardy: "Sorry sir?"Nelson (reading aloud): " England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender,sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?"Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting " England " past the censors, lest it be considered racist."Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it full speed ahead."Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history.    We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir." Nelson: "What?"Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier- free environment for the differently abled."Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did.. The Royal Navy is under- represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not." Nelson: "We're not?"Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir.  You'll be up on disciplinary report."Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."Nelson: "What about sodomy?"Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir." Nelson: "In that case................... Kiss me, Hardy."

Trudie Fuller ● 4259d

Men Are Just Happier People.  Your last name stays yours when you get married.The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.  You can never be pregnant.  Car mechanics tell you the truth. You never have to drive to another  petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay.  Wrinkles add character. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks and engines. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. Your underwear is £8..95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.  Everything on your face stays its original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier.  

Nigel Brooks ● 4261d

The following are all replies that women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing "father's details;" or putting it another way.... Who's the Daddy? 1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins,Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I amunsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, butI believe that she was conceived on the same night. 2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of mychild as I was being sick out of a window when takenunexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a listof names of men that I think were at the party if this helps. 3. I do not know the name of the father of my littlegirl. She was conceived at a party at 360 East Bolton Avenue where I had sex with a man I met that night. I doremember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If youdo manage to track down the father, can you please send mehis phone number? Thanks . 4. I don't know the identity of the father of mydaughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by mystiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMWservice stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced . 5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still aVirginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Popeconfirming that my son's conception was ejaculateand that he is the Saver risen again. 6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as heinforms me that to do so would blow his cover and thatwould have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am tornbetween doing right by you and right by the country . Please advise... 7.Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A If you docatch up with him, can you ask him what he did with myAC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time....well, I don't have clue. 8. From the dates it seems that my daughter wasconceived at Euro-Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom . 9. So much about that night is a blur. The only thingthat I remember for sure is Gordon Ramsey did a programmeabout eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in andwatched more TV rather than going to the party at 56Miller St, mine might have remained unfertilized .

Nigel Brooks ● 4262d